What I Did On My Summer Vacation


Off-Orrs-Island.jpgThis summer we went on vacation to Maine. It was lots of fun. We stayed near a town called Boothbay Harbor. It had lots of t-shirt shops and fat tourists. It had lots of seafood restaurants with names like McSeagull’s. There was a lot there to amuse me.

You could buy lobster everything - lobster coasters, lobster slippers, lobster perfume, and lobster paintings. Most of the food was lobster food - lobster rolls, lobster stew, lobster bisque, lobster gazpacho, and lobster puffs. For a change of pace, you could eat crab.

I saw lots of really interesting people.

  • There was a couple who had obviously been eating lobster rolls for quite some time. They were shaped like cannon balls. The guy was carrying a little schnauzer-type dog in a baby sling. The dog was wearing a sailor hat. They fit right in.
  • There was a huge SUV that pulled to the curb in Freeport, ME, just opposite L.L. Beans. It was like a clown car for fat women. One fat lady after another popped out. Each one had to adjust her pants after she hit the sidewalk. They all walked right past the store entrance and went into Ben & Jerry’s. It was 10 a.m.
  • I saw a yuppie man in a Banana Republic outlet. He had to go find his wife each time he tried on a shirt. She would tell him if it was okay to buy. When it came time to buy pants, he crumbled. She sent him off to look at fleece in the Patagonia outlet. She bought the pants in this family. He probably makes $150,000 a year but can’t buy his own pants.
  • There were lots of people walking around with sweatshirts with lobsters on the front, but most looked like whales from the back. There were boats that charged $30 to go on a whale watch. I saw mine for free.

The weather was fog. Fog rolled in and fog rolled out. There was thick fog and thin fog. Once the sun came out but it was still foggy. The local people would all say, “Yup, it’s foggy”.

I saw a house right on the water at Linekin Bay. It had badly weathered shingles. It had a leaky roof. It had no heat. It cost $2,499,000.00

We took a ride 30 miles down the coast to the Harpswell Peninsula. There were no t-shirt shops. There were no giant lobster sculptures outside of the restaurants. The sun came out. That’s where I want to go on vacation next summer.


There was a Patagonia Outlet?? Why was I not informed of this?

Yes, within spitting distance there were Patagonia, North Face and L.L. Bean. So many ways for the pseudo-hiker to be fleeced.

I bought a Hawaiian shirt at Patagucci for cheap. It had images of indigenous Hawaiian people surfboarding on it.

Because, of course, MP has such a gap in his wardrobe when it comes to Patagucci...

I am in desperate need of lobster slippers for a show I am directing. If you know of a place that I might find on line to get some I would GREATLY appreciated it. Thanks.


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This page contains a single entry by published on July 25, 2003 7:52 AM.

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