Help. I Have Static In My Pants

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It�s been well below freezing for a few days now. That is a bit of an understatement. It has been friggin cold here for a few days now with lows in the -12� range and highs around 3�. I�ve come to realize, though, that I�m one of those people with high metabolisms who can handle cold weather pretty well. It�s not really bad as long as you don�t decide to stroll down to the bookstore first thing in the morning.

But this extreme cold is accompanied by dry high pressure systems and the house, which was at a relatively tropical 35% humidity until the humidifier fan broke last week, (not what you�d expect from a humidifier made by the Hunter Fan Company, now would you?) is down to 19%. The Sahara Desert is usually around 25%.

Everything in the house has static now. Nancy & I exchange a good jolt whenever we kiss. The cat gets 3500 volts when I go to pet her. I wrap my hand in my sleeve before I touch a doorknob.

This morning I got up, slid out of bed (making it worse), and pulled on my favorite hanging-out pants - a pair of polyester gym pants with those pass� stripes down the side and the zippers near the ankles that make them easy to pull off over my track shoes at the Olympics every four years. Instantaneously they looked as though I had shrink wrapped them on. I swear you could see my leg hair through the fabric. And, not wearing and underwear, (yes, I sleep in the buff - close your eyes and imagine it now�) it looked like the pants had a codpiece. It was when I tried to move that the first shock came.

Static shocks start at 1000 volts and a good zap can be 21,000 volts or more. Every step I took gave me a good zap. Right leg - bzzzzt, left leg bzzzt, right leg bzzzzzzt, left leg bzzzzzt. By the time I made it downstairs my eyebrows were sticking straight out and I could feel the aura around me. The cats sensed it and ran.

I managed to get to my trusty Zerostat gun just in time. Zapping up and down my legs, the static fell away in just a few seconds. I felt confident that I could touch the electric coffee maker without causing an explosion. The coffee was set up and started to brew. I walked over to the refrigerator to get the milk. 15,000 volts hit my ass.

The gym pants have been retired for the time being. Maybe the humidifier will return from the service department soon. Maybe we�ll have a January thaw and a bit of rain. Most likely not. The pants will have to stay on their shelf. A man can�t live for long with static in his pants.

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9 Comments

hmmm. while i'm still attempting to eradicate certain images from my head, i can understand the static issue, as my apartment is so hot and dry that irving's furr cosistently looks like a clumpy mohawk. word of advice: cotton. and just be happy that you have no head hair left.

yes child, it's your fault...

even with the buzz cut, I can feel my hair standing up when I pull on a sweater. we got some relief today - it's over 20 already with 4" of snow - positively tropical.

better break out your bermuda shorts

perhaps for the immediate short term, and i know that this is drastic, but sleeping in something might be in order? i dont know if that makes it better or worse, but worth the experiment.

maybe you're becoming a superhero: um ... Staticman! with amazing powers of random, unexpected minor electric shocks.

the only thing i'm comfortable sleeping in is the bed - too many years of habit. if it's really cold i might wear a t-shirt. we have a down comforter that keeps us toasty.

i was definitely throwing some super lighting bolts the other morning. you could see the blue sparks jumping from my finger tips.

I don't know... the image that I conjured up of you shooting yourself in the crotch with a pistol of any sort was rather disturbing.

I'd second the whole natural fiber thing, too.

Natural fibers help, though cotton sweaters don't cut it at 10 below. Wool and cotton store their share of static, also, but nothing beats polyester. I'm back to cotton sweats and corduroy pants for the duration.

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This page contains a single entry by published on January 11, 2004 4:02 PM.

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