Bubba the Geek

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The latest Cabela's catalog arrived today and just a few minutes of thumbing through its pages has convinced me that we have a new species of man in America. Let's call him Bubba the Geek. The catalog makes it clear that technology is going to allow Bubba to overcome some of those nasty practical jokes that genetics has thrown his way and that these modern marvels will, most certainly, help him defy natural selection. Here are just a few:

Fishing

Though sonar fishing systems have been around for a long time, nothing can take the place of actually looking down to where the fish are supposed to be. In past years, Bubba had to wrap Clem's head in a plastic bag and hold him by the ankles upside-down over the side of the boat. Luckily, there wasn't much brain left to damage, but Clem sometimes had a hard time remembering what he had just seen, requiring a second dipping.

There is good news for Clem. He can now buy an underwater camera viewing system for the cost of just 80 - 100 six-packs ($349.99 - 649.99). Complete with video out jacks (so you can show home movies of the fish you were trying to catch) and 60 feet of cable for the camera, all you need is a few sticks of dynamite pilfered from the construction site and you are ready for some down home fishin'.

Hunting

Bubba and Clem used to have to go out into the woods and actually look for deer. A knowledge of deer habits, the lay of the land, and hunting skills were imperative. After days of crashing through the woods, getting lost, shooting at anything that moved, and smelling even stronger than when they began, they'd give up and take the pickup down to KFC. Now all they need is some "Bio-Logic Maximum" ($49.99) and a Digital Scouting Camera ($399.99).

Leafy_wear.jpg

Here's how it works. Sow an area with 9 lbs. of "Bio-Logic Maximum" seed - a mix designed to grow 10 tons of deer forage per acre. Soon you'll have deer showing up every day to feed. Next, place the Digital Scouting Camera on a tree nearby. The 1.3 megapixel camera is motion activated, snapping a picture and recording the time and date each time some wildlife crosses its path. Bubba simply takes the compact flash card back to the trailer and downloads the data. Now he and Clem know where the deer will be and when they normally come to feed. All they have to do is sit back and wait for deer season to start, climb into their Cabela's Leafy-wear System camouflage suit ($99.99 - see above), plant themselves in their Ameristep Penthouse TSP (Total Scent Control) hunting blind ($199.99) and wait for the suckers to come to dinner. No more KFC for these boys! Nope, they'll be piggin' out on their own, home-made jerky - perfectly formed with the handy, double barrelled Jerky Blaster.

jerky.jpg

Yee-hah!

4 Comments

Rural environs like Vermont have been known to turn even the most hunt-wary New Yorkers into double-barreled libertarian-types. Pretty soon, you might be out night-scoping with your neighbors, laying laser, and enjoying your home roast in a leafy camo mug.

The jerky blaster transcends absurd. What can it be but cool?

Just wait, I haven't reported on the camo sheets, camo long underwear, or women's camo fashions...yet

However, see:

http://bob.trancho.net/archives/000016.html

For a previous Cabela's special.

Just a few things from Fla.....
1. Bubba is a real person down here. Actually 2 of 5 people use the "fish camera".
2. I worked with someone who made ther own jerky. I will be sure to let him know anout the Jerky Blaster, if he dosen't hve it already.

What do you expect from a state who's mighty ruler is named Jeb

H E L P ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! !

I want me one of them Leafy-Ware Outfits!
The urban fashion statement I make will be the envy of Queens (the borough and others, no doubt).
Just lounging about the living room watching Nature or looking at my African safari pics, I'm sure to be "in the mood". Hopefully I won't have to leave the house in a hurry, though. With all the terrorist alerts and Code Orange in effect I might be mistaken for some form of threatening alien.
Jason, about your neighborhood. You say I'd fit right in wearimg the Leafy-Ware? What a concept.
If they come child-sized do you think a family portrait might be in order? Way too scarey. The only fishing I do is for compliments, which might be tough if I add this to my wardrobe.
Uh oh, I'm rambling again.

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This page contains a single entry by published on April 2, 2004 6:29 AM.

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