Uncle Irving On Social Security

Uncle Irving frequently contacts me concerning his proposed solutions to society�s problems. Recently he agreed to let me share them with my readership.

The current national discussion concerning the overhaul of the Social Security System has led Irving to do quite a bit of research and contemplation. Below he lays out his understanding of the problem and his proposed solution.


Thank you, Bob

Humans in the USA expect that the Social Security System will provide adequate funds when they reach retirement age to guaranty them a minimum subsistence lifestyle. The fund that administers this system is due to start running in the red in 30 - 45 years. Unless something is done now to correct this financial imbalance, the system will go belly up.

One plan calls for switching some of the money people put aside via payroll taxes into stock investments. In order to change over to this plan, $2,000,000,000 (two trillion dollars) would have to be borrowed. This and all currently proposed solutions involve staggering amount of money.



- Old people will be given up for adoption at the age of 65. After placement in a humane �EdlerPet Shelter� each old person will be placed in an 8�x8� cage with a reclining chair, water bottle, and TV remote (I�ve noticed that humans tend to pick these up and play with them whenever they sit down).

- Younger humans will visit the shelters, peer into the cages, and make appropriate noises to induce the elderpet to act cute, cuddly, and pathetic.

- If an elderpet succeeds in convincing the younger to take him or her home, he or she will be given a bunch of injections and placed in a large cardboard carry-box with wheels for the ride home in the minivan.

- The youngers must attend �elderpet training� classes designed to teach effective techniques for keeping the new pet off the furniture, enforcing litter box use, and clipping toenails.

- Should the younger also have a cat in the home, separate bowls will be set up for feeding. One key to the cost saving genius of this plan is that the new elderpets will subsist on a complete, balanced diet of cat food and water. (Though I heartily recommend a tablespoon of yogurt each day to aid in digestion.) Separate litter boxes will be required, also. Cats won�t put up with elderpet waste in their boxes.

- Each family will need to establish limits and guidelines to suit their own lifestyles. For instance, should the elderpet be allowed on the bed at night? Will licking themselves be sufficient for personal hygiene? If this is strictly an indoor elderpet, should they be de-clawed?

Though I�ve given this much thought and there are many issues that still remain to be finalized, I�m much further along in working out the details of my plan than the President is with his, so I hope that this is given serious consideration.

Finally, I�d like to thank Bob for giving me this forum to express my views.


Will ElderPets have to be neutered and spayed? Or will nature have taken care of that for them by the age of 65?

But Uncle Irving, will ElderPets be subject to the neutering/spaying procedure also? I suppose we can tackle that question as we look at revamping healthcare in this country.

Oh, and congratulations on your nomination to the post of Social Security Tsar. There's no nannies, sexual indiscretions or drug problems in your past, are there? Sexual indiscretions involving nannies and catnip? Be careful where you leave those hairballs while in the White House.

Actually, Minkee, the White House is full of hairballs already, and they make national policy.

As Corie points out, the neutering will have (mostly) taken care of itself by then.

I expect that any nomination will falter on my lack of fundementalist credentials. I stopped praying back when it became clear to me that God wouldn't answer my plea to let me catch the laser pointer light once and for all.

Correction: That is MY dream, not Irving's. Ving's plea is to be left in peace with a bowl of yogurt. And for his sinuses to clear up.


Are you the same Bob Trancho nutcase that I went to Martin Van Buren High School with?

If you are, then I hope the past 38 years have been good to you.

If you aren't, then consider yourself complimented, even if it is by mistaken identify.


Here's another good idea.

Since people are practically worthless once they stop working, why not do the right thing and just give them the opportunity to die with dignity? A simple lethal injection would do the trick, or perhaps... or we could drift them out to sea on ice flows like the Eskimos do. Think of all the benefits of ridding the world of millions of unproductive people who are just sitting around, sucking up air, and playing bingo.

This solution is not without problems. It would create havoc for the Florida retirement community industry, and probably economically damage those who market "erectile disfunction drugs," but its worth a try...

Your friend,
Dr. Jack
(age 56)

Though it may raise some problems, it is definitely worth giving a try. By pairing men and women on the ice, the ED folks would still have market (though Fedex would have to add ships...) How often do ice floes pass by the Outer Banks?

You know Irv.... now that you mention it, there are plenty of good ways to deal with these excess old people who are sucking the social security system dry. Why not kill two birds with one stone? We have all these old people sitting around, doing nothing except whining for social security checks.... and we have millions of tsunami victims starving to death in south Asia. So... why not use the old people as a foodstuff for the starving Asians? "Soylent Oldfart?"

Your friend,
Dr. Jack


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This page contains a single entry by published on January 6, 2005 11:25 AM.

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