Transcript of my phone call to my mother yesterday to wish her a happy St. Patrick’s Day:
Phone rings and is answered by my mother:
Mom: Erin Go Bragh!
Me: (in really bad Irish accent for most of the rest of this conversation) Top ‘o the mornin’ to ya! Will I be speakin’ to Janey Trancho?
Mom: (warily) Yes…?
Me: Janey this is Cardinal O’Connor callin’ to wish you a happy St. Patrick’s day! You know, because of the time difference here in heaven, we started tippin’ a few back several hours ago and we’ve been sitting around and decided to give you a call to bring a smile to your face this glorious day.
Mom: Even though you’re dead?
Me: Ha - ha! Ya know, here in heaven it don’t make much difference. We figured that a woman who has popped out more piglets than the parson’s sow could use a little uplift on this glorious day. Fulton J. Sheen and I (Fulton - get off that skateboard! you’ll be killin’ yerself if yer not careful. - What am I sayin’ - he’s dead already too! - go ahead and enjoy yerself Fulton, but hike up the damned cape will ya!…).
Mom: (nervous laughter) So your having a good time are you?
Me: Gosh and begora Janey, yes! And we’re hopin’ that the day is as glorious for you as it is for us!
Mom: (warily) I’m sure it will be…
Me: (slipping back into my normal voice) So, how are you, Mom?
Mom: OH ROBERT!!! I didn’t know that was you! The accent was so real!
Me: (thinking to myself) Jeez - how often does Cardinal O’Connor actually call her?
